Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize