what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
