wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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