hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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