So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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