Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
