Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
