He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
