I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
