dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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