i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
