if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
