I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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