six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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