So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
