Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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