Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water