I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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