My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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