The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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