Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
