she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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