She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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