im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
