Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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