sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
