the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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