Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
