My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
