Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
