I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
