if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
