a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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