i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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