I can text with my tongue
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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