Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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