I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
