Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
