im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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