I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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