oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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