if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
