thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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