I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
