It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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