apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
