I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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