thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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