Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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