hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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