I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
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She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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