Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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