I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I look better un-naked...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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