College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
