I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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