That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
