Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
