the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
