I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
