let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
